Thursday, July 27, 2006


Buddhism: Your Daily Meditation

The fifth step of the Eightfold Path is Right Livelihood, meaning to abstain from all evil living and all manner of ill-gotten livelihood.

I don’t know what the Eightfold Path is, but I do know what it means to abstain from evil living. I think that means when some child splashes in a puddle right next to me and my neatly pressed khaki pants get splotched with the murky murky water that lurks in New York City puddles, I shant wish the little yearling ill. Yikes. I think mostly that evil living is being a bad person. So this idea is not much different from most “religious” concepts. The point is to not be mean and do bad things to innocent people. What I don’t understand is why people need religion or a leader or a higher power to tell them to “be good.” Just do, or don’t and live in misery. Someone once told me that heaven and hell aren’t mythical places we metaphysically transport to when we die, but the environment you create on earth in your own life. For example, if I’m generally a good person, I don’t steal or cheat or kill people then I’m making my “heaven on earth.” That sounds a little cheesy, but I think it makes sense. If you do bad things, have no good relationships with friends or family or whomever, kill people, you live a miserable life, I would assume. And that would be your “hell”? I think the heaven part makes more sense than the hell part. If someone has no conscience then none of this mumbo jumbo even matters. They are happy being bad people. Hmm. I’m going to get a couple definitions and be right back… Okay I had a few thoughts before we move on to definitions. It is the possibility of future punishment in the afterlife for being a bad person that goads the evil doer into changing his ways. I don’t want to burn in hell or live as a rat so I better not steal this gum. Okay, that’s pretty crafty, but I don’t necessarily understand the motivation behind it. World peace? I mean why, eons ago, did someone decide sure let’s listen to this self-proclaimed prophet and try to be good people because our spiritual “father” up in “heaven” said so? I really don’t know much about religion I’m realizing as I write this. I guess my conclusion is that I look at religion intellectually without any sort of spiritual or emotional connection to it. It’s an idea I find interesting, sort of, but not because I’m searching for that “something.” I don’t have any desire to be saved or anything. I think, but definitely do not know, that Buddhism is more about thought than feeling, unlike what I have surmised about Christianity. I guess I should look into what Madonna studies. She seems to have it all figured out.

a. One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
b. One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
2. One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something.

Word History: An agnostic does not deny the existence of God and heaven but holds that one cannot know for certain whether or not they exist. The term agnostic was fittingly coined by the 19th-century British scientist Thomas H. Huxley, who believed that only material phenomena were objects of exact knowledge. He made up the word from the prefix a-, meaning “without, not,” as in amoral, and the noun Gnostic. Gnostic is related to the Greek word gn sis, “knowledge,” which was used by early Christian writers to mean “higher, esoteric knowledge of spiritual things” hence, Gnostic referred to those with such knowledge. In coining the term agnostic, Huxley was considering as “Gnostics” a group of his fellow intellectuals “ists,” as he called them who had eagerly embraced various doctrines or theories that explained the world to their satisfaction. Because he was a “man without a rag of a label to cover himself with,” Huxley coined the term agnostic for himself, its first published use being in 1870.

One who disbelieves or denies the existence of God or gods.

1. Often Kabbalah A body of mystical teachings of rabbinical origin, often based on an esoteric interpretation of the Hebrew Scriptures.
2. A secret doctrine resembling these teachings.

I think for now, I’m sticking with atheist, but I’m still going to try to be a good person because I think that feels better.

Monday, July 24, 2006


Don't drown, breathe.
Don't lie, sleep.
Don't disconnect, assemble.
The drinking dulls the departure but doesn't delay.
Tonight he leaves.
Memory lapse.
5am. Half of the bed is cold and empty. The other half is cold yet full.
No sleep, just lying.


Do you ever find that the imroglio that is your life perplexes the hell out of you?

Friday, July 21, 2006

9oodle: Past post pinings

Friday, November 26, 2004

Once upon a time there was a lonely ticketing service representative who sat sadly and silently at his window waiting for the world to bring him something sweet and savory. Silently, sadly, and stoically he sat and sat and sat. He glanced away from the window for a minute moment and when his gaze returned back to the gleaming glass, just beyond it stood a vision of sheer delight. Two brightly beautiful blue eyes stared back at the lonely ticketing service representative and a smile spread across his face and his eyes widened with glee as his pupils ebbed and flowed while taking in the aforementioned vision of delight. The interaction that followed to most would seem banal, boring, b-list, but to the ticketing service representative it seemed celestial and surreal. Words traveled between them through the glass about tickets or seats or theatre, but the ticketing service representative wouldn't remember the words they exchanged. He would only remember the beautifully bright blue eyes of the vision of sheer delight. He wanted to dive into those beautifully bright blue eyes and discover delight delicately deliciously and divinely. He went swimming in the eyes of the vision of delight and touched the hand of elation, inhaled the breath of Eros, and danced the light fantastic of eminence. The moment was fleeting, yet endless, beginning and ending in a brief bolt of time. The moment was fleeting, but the feeling, the journey, and the memory of it would linger with the ticketing services representative throughout the rest of his dreary day. He would think back on his brief encounter with the beautifully bright blue eyes of the vision of sheer delight and a spark of romance would twinge inside his belly. A twinge to taste sheer delight.

Oct-oodle: a past post from the poster's past

"I'm in love with you." He said it. I finally heard those words from an attractive man who fit so nicely within my "type." Now let me rewind twenty minutes to when we met. I was standing strategically in a gay bar. This night it was I believe, The Slide, no The Mary go no, it was The Phallus Wheel. Yes, that was the one. The Phallus Wheel is the it place to be on Saturday nights from 12 to approximately 1:25. It's the Mary Go Round from 1:30 on, and honestly, it's never great at The Slide, so it is best to pop in there, get drunk and head on over to the good bars. So, back to my "love" story... Uck. I don't want to be "looking for a boyfriend." I'm not proud of it; I'm actually ashamed of it. I'm a fiercely independent out-of-work actor who spends time at his temp job doodling pictures of two bedroom apartments on the UES where "He" and I tend to our Chia Herb garden that sits out on the fire escape decorated in a faux south-of-Naples design which I personally came up with after I stole it from Trading Spaces. Some times I stop surfing the internet just long enough to ask myself "Who are you and what have you done with the real me?" Well, whichever me went out the other night was standing strategically at The Phallus Wheel with my faithful friend, Vodka on the Rocks with a lemon. Now, the lemon here is key when you're going to drink straight vodka. What you do is take your straw or straws, I am personally a fan of two cocktail straws, but too vain to ask for two straws. So it is always a pleasant surprise when I get the two straws. So you take your straw or straws and pierce the lemon over and over again thrashing it throughout the glass, slightly flavoring the 5 dollar a glass well vodka, making it taste like 8 dollar a glass Citron, but maintaining the desired strength of 5 dollar a glass well. Well, I'm standing, I'm thrashing, I'm drinking, and the time is ticking by. There are a few cute boys, better than at the first two bars I had cruised earlier in the evening, but really nothing catching my fancy or enticing my...anything. I had just finished my 4th Vodka Rocks with Lemon, was debating between downing another, and getting the hell out of there when someone grabs my hand. I turn and stare into a pair of beautiful, yet half-opened eyes. Accentuating the aforementioned eyes was a head a delightfully sandy blond hair styled into a sort-of gay bringing-back-the-Don Johnson/Miami Vice look. It was working well for him. (imitating the drunk boy) "I think you're hot." "Okay." His name was Brandon, and he was there with his co-worker from Barneys. Fine fine, don't judge Jason, we're looking for a person, not perfection, and at least he's cute and blond. If anything it'll be another night of drunken fumbly sex which you'll replay in your mind the next morning like a black and white b movie on a channel that doesn't get great reception. So I spent some time with Brandon. He stumbled me into a dark corner, and we made out for a bit. I bought him a drink, though he did not need it and I bought myself two, because honestly, there's nothing more sobering than hanging out with someone who is way drunker than you. So, then, two more drinks down, he was slurping at his "Cranberry Vodka," his words not mine, person not perfection, person not perfection. I put down number two, stared into his bloodshot baby blues and out of his mouth came the words, "I love you." Somehow, in my mind, I pictured this moment differently. Call me sentimental, but..."You do?" "Yeah. What's your name again?" "Goodnight Brandon, it's been a pleasure." I went and unchecked my coat from the 5 dollar coat check ridiculousness and made a b-line for the door. On my way out, I glanced back to see if Brandon was still standing, and he was. Strangely enough, he had something attached to his face. It was a taller, cuter boy than I. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have...bite me.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Sept-oodle: trying to add a picture of myself


If You Were an Animal, Which Animal Would You Be?
In 132 words or less, explain what animal you would be and why. What cool things can you do as this animal; where do you place in the food chain; are you cute and cuddly or a viscious predator? All things to consider.
Winner receives $50.

Here's what I submitted:

I want to be a pangolin. I have a giant head. Pangolins have small heads and long tails. If I had a tail people wouldn't stare at my head. Pangolins have no external ears, excellent hearing, and are toothless. I have giant dumbo ears, my hearing sucks, and I could give good blowjobs if I were toothless. I had 6 wisdom teeth; there's no room. Their sight is poor. If blind, I would have more sex. They are from Africa, and I like to travel. I'd have to eat termites, but if I was a pangolin, I'd like termites. Pangolins like to dig. Fuck my job; I want to dig in Uganda. I got beaten up because I'm a homo. If I was a pangolin I would be protected from hate crimes.