29 and Holdin'

I just received the best card EVER. I finally emerged from the bat cave around 3 to head over to the post office to pick up a mysterious package (check from Daddy??). It turns out it was from auntie sash! As I made my way home (after a brief stop at the bodega for a 40, potato chips and spinach dip, yes I am pregnant), I couldn't resist the urge to open the package. As I attempted to free the darling little package from alcatraz-like tape-enings, I thought, is she channeling her mother, my grandmother? We used to receive gifts from Gramma Schmidt and if she hadn't given us swiss army knives that one year, we NEVER would have gotten INTO the packages.

Anyhoo, I DID finally get INTO the auntie sash package and found the most AMAZING card (pictured here). Crumpled dollar bills, a stick of gum, some change, three paperclips (the purple is my favorite of course), a 60 cent off coupon for hot sauce and, of course, a spork were the contents. I BURST INTO LAUGHTER as I read the sticky note attached that read: A "channeling Gramma Schmidt" birthday moment. OMG. As I began to straighten out the money I thought, yes, Gramma Schmidt would put a lot of thought into meticulously emptying her purse into a birthday card, sure. But, Auntie SASH? Would she really send me $48? And then I counted the change. 1 dollar coin, three quarters, a dime, two nickels and five pennies round it out to a lovely and hilarious $50. LOVE IT.

Also, in the care package are lovely lotions, a single serve of easymac (a drunk man's best friend), a pin that reads, "Bitch covered bitch with a creamy bitch filling," a magnate that reads, "What happens over the rainbow stays over the rainbow," a box of purple chocolate candies (yes purple chocolate candies), a bumper sticker, "Sorry Girls, I'm Gay" (which I will be promptly delivering to the stage door of Spamalot), an air freshener that depicts a fellow drinking a cocktail that states, "Being an asshole is ALL Part of My Manly Essence," and (other than the Gramma Schmidt card) the piece de resistance:

My favorite magnets included are:
1. I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU PEOPLE DON'T SALUTE ME
2. HELL WAS FULL SO I CAME BACK
3. TAKE YOUR PROJECT ELSEWHERE (which is going ON MY DESK ON MONDAY)
4. But Enough About Me...What do YOU think of ME?
and finally
5. Treat Me No Differently Than You Would The QUEEN.

Todays obsession: FILLER

Watch out Peggle, FILLER'S IN TOWN.

Instructions from auntiesash:

The directions are minimal. The little balls bouncing around are bad. You click (and hold down) somewhere and start to inflate a ball. If one of the bad balls hit it while you are still inflating, it pops and you lose a life. If you stop, the ball stops growing and can't be popped. You can make a bunch of balls. Some will be big and many will be little. There is a counter telling you how much time, how many balls, and how many lives remain. You have to claim a certain percentage. That should get you started. Truly addicting.

HAVE FUN HAPPY WEEKEND.

Swedish theme continues with the first Swede I ever knew

One Year Blog-iversary- Post 1

One year ago, I decided it would be a good idea to create a blog. I don’t really remember why exactly. I know that I was really enjoying Macoosh’s blog. I know that I wanted to commit to writing a lot more. But I think all of that was secondary to just thinking it was a cute idea. Woodle.

Okay, I thought that reviewing my early posts would inspire me, but IT DIDN’T. So, I found inspiration elsewhere. In my LABELS. Many many many of them have only been mentioned once. So, I am going to CHANGE THAT RIGHT NOW.

Once up a time:
I USED ALL CAPS
WHY? BECAUSE I LOVE MY AUNTIE SASH!!
Though, she’s never been to brunch with us, nor had the opportunity to see one of our cabarets, she knows that both are as dear to me as Christmas (in Oregon with her). I’m in a little play called Cloud 9. My nsbf Cricket will be attending it on or around his upcoming birthday on Friday the 27th. My dear friend Darladiva reviewed it over on her site…check it.

Hang on one second, I need to write a letter. Brb. Here’s the letter I wrote:

Dear Doodle’s Diary,

I am writing to let you know that while your frequent mention of dead babies is funny, it is also quite…hilarious. Occasionally, dd, the mention of dead babies makes me REALLY EXCITED, SO EXCITED THAT IT FEELS LIKE IT’S FRIDAY AND I’M ON CRACK, but I’m not. I’m not on crack. Does smack count as crack? DD, I wanted to let you know that I am going to follow the advice of the ever-so-wise Darladiva and begin to gently search for my new beau. She’s a great life coach, dd, I highly recommend her. When I think of how much she’s helped me, I can’t help but sing,

“Every man has his own special dream, and your dreams' just about to come true.
Life's not as bad as it may seem if you
open your eyes to what's in front of you.”

That’s all for now, dd, I must go. Someone in a powder blue jumpsuit just walked by and I must go and arrest them.

Ttfn DD,
Doodle

Okay, glad that letter is finished; now I can continue with this post (in the next post)...

For Auntie: A Tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. died on Wednesday. He was very important to Auntie Sash and so I am posting this for her. She forwarded a little excerpt from his book Cat’s Cradle that goes so well with my little blog:

(Bokonon is the religion discussed in Cat's Cradle. I haven’t read it, but will be doing so ASAP)

Doodle received a letter from his Auntie SASH

Dear Auntie SASH,
Thank you for your letter regarding the seeming “collapse” of my life as recorded in this here blog. While I truly appreciate your request to “hunt someone down and kill them,” I don’t think that will be necessary. I will have to get back to you on whether or not I need you to “ruin a credit rating or two.” I may take you up on that one. As to your referring to me as a “little cowboy sheriff,” I’m just glad my mother doesn’t know how to scan pictures. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Thank you also for your reminding me that while one hand is mutilated and scary, I do still have “another hand.” I’m sorry to hear that our “aging gracefully” gene does “NOT extend to hands.” Alas.

While your sister and father, my Aunt and Grandpa may “consider Maalox one of the four food groups," I am glad to know that you are with me in knowing there is no better way to make sure you have recovered from the stomach flu than with nachos and booze. You and I ARE related Auntie SASH. We ARE.

Auntie SASH, things are going a bit better in my world. I am feeling much better about my life in this newdle year. I am still having some difficulty in my role on the television program “The Office.” They are definitely considering writing my character off the show so I have asked my agent to find me role in another similar sitcom. We shall see. I think that this change will in fact be a good one. It’s the transitions that are difficult, as you know.

Well Auntie SASH please keep in touch and please keep sending me lovely little notes. They are greatly appreciated. It’s too bad we’re not in the same time zone. We could have margaritas after work. Well, I suppose we still can, just separately. Get an extra shot of tequila for me Auntie SASH…

Your one true relative,
Nephew Doodle