I just received the best card EVER. I finally emerged from the bat cave around 3 to head over to the post office to pick up a mysterious package (check from Daddy??). It turns out it was from auntie sash! As I made my way home (after a brief stop at the bodega for a 40, potato chips and spinach dip, yes I am pregnant), I couldn't resist the urge to open the package. As I attempted to free the darling little package from alcatraz-like tape-enings, I thought, is she channeling her mother, my grandmother? We used to receive gifts from Gramma Schmidt and if she hadn't given us swiss army knives that one year, we NEVER would have gotten INTO the packages.
Anyhoo, I DID finally get INTO the auntie sash package and found the most AMAZING card (pictured here). Crumpled dollar bills, a stick of gum, some change, three paperclips (the purple is my favorite of course), a 60 cent off coupon for hot sauce and, of course, a spork were the contents. I BURST INTO LAUGHTER as I read the sticky note attached that read: A "channeling Gramma Schmidt" birthday moment. OMG. As I began to straighten out the money I thought, yes, Gramma Schmidt would put a lot of thought into meticulously emptying her purse into a birthday card, sure. But, Auntie SASH? Would she really send me $48? And then I counted the change. 1 dollar coin, three quarters, a dime, two nickels and five pennies round it out to a lovely and hilarious $50. LOVE IT.
Also, in the care package are lovely lotions, a single serve of easymac (a drunk man's best friend), a pin that reads, "Bitch covered bitch with a creamy bitch filling," a magnate that reads, "What happens over the rainbow stays over the rainbow," a box of purple chocolate candies (yes purple chocolate candies), a bumper sticker, "Sorry Girls, I'm Gay" (which I will be promptly delivering to the stage door of Spamalot), an air freshener that depicts a fellow drinking a cocktail that states, "Being an asshole is ALL Part of My Manly Essence," and (other than the Gramma Schmidt card) the piece de resistance:
1. I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU PEOPLE DON'T SALUTE ME
2. HELL WAS FULL SO I CAME BACK
3. TAKE YOUR PROJECT ELSEWHERE (which is going ON MY DESK ON MONDAY)
4. But Enough About Me...What do YOU think of ME?
5. Treat Me No Differently Than You Would The QUEEN.