Thursday, October 18, 2007

Against my Will

900 years ago, as a tiny gay tot in Denver, CO I ventured out (as usual) to the local daycare center (read: gay bar) that allowed underage gays (twinks in rainbow diapers) to partake in the fun sans BOOZE. It was a difficult time for me, as you can imagine, the sans BOOZE thang, but I was thin, so it worked. I sauntered in to Roadz (the allowance-fueled "gay" club) with my 32 inch boots on, wearing something daring. Something current. I mean, it was 1997. What COULD any hip (almost) gay wear, other than a TICKLE ME ELMO SHIRT (with overalls)? In my memory, the overalls are piles of cash, smartly invested in the hedge funds I would (eventually) work for/be fired from. Anyhoo, I'm beside myself. "Hey self, move over, I have to publish a blog!" I sauntered into Roadz, donning my Tickleme Homo schirt, and wearing the o'alls with only one thingy fastened. It was cute? My tiny (then) belly protruding (tinily then) slightly. Nowadays I would call that fago paunch a six pack with an eight pack that just drank a keg, but when you're a teenager...WHAT DO YOU KNOW?...besides the square root of ANYTHING is ___ and the ability to charm an AP teacher into recommending you to STANFORD (which ya ain't gud fer) is, well... Neet!

So's I'm in da joint, Roadz. Across da way I see the hottest, thinnest, thinnest, thin G'Asian/thin person I have ever seen (in public or on WWW.THINASIANSLIKE WHITIES.COM). "MY GOD, ARE THOSE WHITE PANTS LINED WITH RAINBOWS???" No asian, g'a(sian) or otherwise, would ever wear such a thing unless they were paid LESS than (insert any dollar amount you deem fit for an (A)sian).

Anyhoo, at some point (18.7 drinks later), I became enamored with ol' I. Slanty. It's not hard when you're 3 and workin' it. It turns out Slanty Hot Stripes had not been born yet, but his delightful mother Cheeky La Dimples was out searching for a once and future ex-husband. Or as she said it, "Cum of Som Yun G.I."

Needless to say, I was in love...with his balls...and the fact that he was daring enough to go into public considering the fact that he was a.) a.sian b.) b.eautiful AND c.) kute!

Well, I've dreamt about shim often. Shoften wodering shwhere will I meet shhim again? Butt, I know that some shwheday, shwhee shwh'ill appear and my elmo dreams will be, well, re-d(r)eamed. sp-1.

+2points for makin' it to the end. I think I'm shwhrunk.



GMEyster said...




Carly said...

I'm not sure I followed this story. I think your speech impediment threw me.
Why did we wear Overalls back when we were so unusually thin? What a waste!

dreALu said...

Gotta love Tracks2000.
First time I ever saw a tranny at a urinal. Okay...the ONLY time.

William said...

I was just overwhelmed with the muppet babies' theme song. I'm still waiting for my dreams to come true.